When my uncle died, my emotions confused me.

It seemed fairly straight-forward – this man had molested me over many years, had abused my brother as well, and in spite of being prosecuted and convicted, had managed to pretty much get away with his crimes. He’d served the equivalent of just eight days in jail before being released back into the community, in spite of a much harsher sentence imposed by the judge.

I should be angry, right?

I was angry, but not like some in the family who planned to celebrate his passing. I couldn’t put my feelings into words, exactly, but knew I wasn’t going to this party, nor would I attend his funeral.

Instead, I was quiet, confused and lost. It took a lot of time and therapy to even begin to name what was going on inside of me.

As it turned out, when this man died I suffered a loss. I didn’t care so much that I lost him; I cared that he died without ever acknowledging the damage he’d done. I was still waiting for an apology.

It’s kind of ironic, for a couple of reasons.

One, even if he’d said he was sorry, I never would have believed him. In court, this man had actually asked what the big deal was. He didn’t deny what he’d done – he just couldn’t fathom why anyone cared. He was incapable of understanding his actions had damaged anyone.

Two, apologies are empty if not tied to corrective action. Even if he’d understood the ways he’d hurt me and sincerely wanted to make amends, he could not repair those damages.

My uncle was responsible for his actions, but not for my ongoing pain. I am the only one who can pursue my healing. I can’t do it alone – for me, I have needed friends, therapists (including the four-legged kind), meds, and the love of my Creator, for example. I did not need my uncle to be part of that journey.

Still, I honor that part of myself that still wanted him to say he was sorry. Those feelings are legitimate. That desire will be forever unmet. Allowing myself to grieve – and not going to the party – was a courageous act of self-love.

And self-love is the greatest healing gift we can give ourselves.