On Friday, September 8 I participated in a press conference where New Hampshire Governor John Sununu proclaimed this week to be Suicide Prevention Week. I was honored to share a little of my story as part of this event; here is the text of my speech:

Thank you Susan, Governor Sununu, and all of you for your commitment to suicide prevention, today and every day.

I cannot remember a time when I did not have thoughts about killing myself. I first attempted suicide when I was just six years old, and as a teen followed this with more attempts. I’ve been in mental health treatment since I was an adolescent.

Medications, therapy and support groups help a lot – I’ve had periods of relative stability and have been able to achieve many of my goals. I’m in a long-term marriage, and am a beloved stepmom and Grammy. I earned my accounting degree and worked for years in research administration. I’ve published poetry, essays and stories.

But even with treatment I’ve continued to struggle with depression, complex-PTSD and suicidal thoughts. 2022 was particularly rough. It wasn’t because anything bad happened – I had no major losses, was spending a lot of time with my friends, working at a job I loved and doing meaningful volunteer work. I was still slipping further into depression, and seriously contemplating taking my life. I had a plan and was really scared. It was time to ask for help.

In April of 2022, I told my therapist what I was going to do, and with my permission she called the NH Rapid Response Access Point. I had the number handy – before 988 simplified things, I’d programmed the number in my cell phone as #RRAP so it was one of the first numbers in my contact list. I actually read it off to my therapist. We told them together what was going on, they asked us a series of questions, and they sent a mobile crisis team to the office. We also called my husband, who arrived shortly after the mobile crisis team. The team was kind and compassionate, and were able to convince me to go voluntarily to the hospital. My husband took me to the ER and within 48 hours I was admitted.

While I was inpatient the doctors increased one of my medications, which caused me to have tremors. Soon I went home. I thought the tremors would subside as I got used to the new dosage, but over months they instead got worse. I was shaking so badly that I would spill my beverages, and I was embarrassed when people asked me if I was ok. Meanwhile, the suicidal thoughts were getting even stronger. Like other times when my depression was severe, I began to hear voices. I wanted to stop taking my meds entirely, because I felt they were poisoning me.

By late August of 2022, the thoughts had become unbearable. The voices were telling me to die. My case manager visited and noted that I wasn’t ok. I told her about the voices. She asked me how she could help, but I shrugged. I felt like I was beyond help. Soon my husband was there too, and we decided together that I would call NH Rapid Response.

The counselor on the phone wanted to know if I could stay safe at home. We talked on speaker phone so my husband could participate in the conversation. He was really concerned. We talked a bit about various skills, but my anxiety was going up and the voices were getting louder and more insistent. I quietly asked if she could send a mobile crisis team.

The team was dispatched, and while we waited my husband locked up the knives and other dangerous objects. Two men came to the door – a clinician and peer. The clinician led the conversation, again trying to find a way for me to be able to be safe at home. I answered his questions as honestly as I could, but was struggling to stay present while my mind was trying to hatch a new plan.

The peer spoke up. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how strong are your suicidal thoughts?” I told him they were a nine, and he firmly stated, “Oh, no. I don’t like that number.” Things changed after that. The peer was able to convince me to go to the ER. They called the hospital and told them I was on my way, and my husband brought me there.  

As I sat in the hospital, the insanity continued to escalate. Inanimate objects were saying they couldn’t wait to dance on my grave. Things were growing out of the walls. I hatched a new plan of how I could kill myself when I got home. I had lost my mind.

While I was inpatient this time, I went through a significant medication change, and by the time I went home the tremors and hallucinations were gone. I was better able to handle my suicidal thoughts.

There’s no doubt in my mind that calling the NH Rapid Response Access Point has saved my life. RRAP and mobile crisis teams were phenomenal with me. I’m grateful to still be here – to be a writer, an advocate, a wife, a stepmom, a Grammy and a friend.

If you a loved one are having thoughts of suicide, help is available. Across the United States you can call 988 for a mental health or substance abuse crisis. In New Hampshire, you can also call or text the Rapid Response Access Point (RRAP) at 1-877-710-6477 or chat with them at https://www.nh988.com/.