Being a trauma survivor is not unique – it is universal. According to the Center of Family Justice, 20% of Americans are sexually abused in their lifetime (by self-report; given that many do not report their abuse the number is suspected to be much higher). The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 30% of adults have been physically assaulted by an intimate partner. 7% of Americans have served in the military, many in battle. And according to a Gallup poll, in any given year 2% of Americans report being the victim of a violent crime. Maybe you’ve experienced some of this trauma.

But so-called lesser events can be just as traumatic. Bullying is rampant in our schools and can leave deep wounds. So can unexpectedly losing a loved one or watching someone die slowly from a long illness. Being fired from a job can be devastating, as can homelessness. Accidents are another form of trauma.

Then there’s trauma with a quiet, little t – not so much what happens, but what doesn’t. Have you gone hungry? Maybe your parents were neglectful, or maybe one parent (or both) wasn’t in the home, because of divorce or legal troubles.

My trauma may be different than yours, but we have all survived through difficult circumstances. You don’t have to have experienced physical, sexual, or military violence to be traumatized. In some ways the drama of my childhood makes it easier. The bruises, broken bones and other consequences of abuse make it simple to label Trauma with a big, ugly capital T.

But comparing traumas doesn’t help. Trauma reactions don’t necessarily get worse with more dramatic stories. Sometimes those little t traumas are stickier. Have you ever invalidated yourself by saying you shouldn’t feel bad, because something wasn’t that big a deal? I sure have.

Stop.

Your trauma, whatever it was, is valid.

Don’t compare yourself to others in a way to belittle what happened to you. Would you ever treat a friend that way?

Trauma survivors – that is, all of us – sometimes are harsh on themselves. It’s time we treat ourselves with the same love and compassion we show others.

The fact is, it’s not about what happened to us. It’s about how we reacted to what happened, and the emotions we still carry from those wounds. It’s about where we are on our healing journey.

Be gentle with yourself, and embrace your own healing.