I am a woman in long-term recovery from substance use issues. When I got sober I had just graduated high school, so I have never had a legal drink. Yet I managed to accumulate numerous consequences in my young life due to my consumption, including health, legal and relationship issues. I couldn’t stop on my own (I tried) but I finally asked for help. From the day I accepted help – June 30, 1989 – I’ve been clean and sober.

It’s been a bumpy ride – not a straight line, but rather a three-dimensional journey, with highs and lows and all sorts of weird squiggles in between.

Getting sober did not take away my mental health challenges. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, depression, nightmares and even hallucinations. But sober I have a chance.

A few years ago it was suggested that I start considering my suicidal thoughts as an addiction – perhaps even, as my primary addiction. After all, I’ve thought this was for as long as I can remember – and first attempted when I was in first grade. When my feelings seem unbearable (and mind you, I really struggle with emotions) my head goes right to the thought of killing myself. In that way – much like my alcoholism – it is about not wanting to feel. Not only do I not want to connect with other people, but I also don’t want to connect with myself.

Even thirty-five years away from drugs and alcohol, I still have a propensity for wanting to disconnect. I’m getting better at it and am developing an awareness of what’s going on inside of me, but I still have these thoughts on an almost daily basis even when I don’t feel compelled to act on them. It is a way of shutting down – finding that same kind of relief that first tumbler of rum gave me.

I recently have been listening to The Adult Chair podcast by Michelle Chalfant, who referred to the “softer” addictions – thought addictions, such as codependency, love addiction, or in my case, an addiction to suicidal thoughts – as being very similar in nature to more concrete ones, like substance use disorders or gambling addictions.

I have begun to understand that if I want true relief from my suicidal thoughts, I need a deeper connection – not just to mental health services, friends, support groups and even God – but with myself. I need to be able to sit with myself in a loving and honoring way, even when I dislike how I feel.

What an order! I can’t go through with it!

Yes, I can. Starting this week, I’m committing to sit in quiet meditation at least three times a week, not focused on the world around me but rather what is inside of me. I’m not looking to quiet my mind, but to notice my thoughts and feelings. To see them, feel them, and maybe even address them. This time is not even about connecting with the Loving Energy of the Universe (although I probably will), but rather, about the loving energy inside of me. I am nervous, but feel like this commitment is the beginning of a new level of healing. 

Here’s to connecting!