Scrolling through Facebook isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You may have even found this post that way. I spend some time every day on social media, looking for posts that inspire me, or at least bring a smile to my face. It’s part of my self-care. Find the good and ignore the rest – and don’t scroll incessantly.

This week I stumbled across a beautiful meme including the quote, “Healing can be so hard when your inner child wants love, your teenage self wants revenge, and your current self only wants peace.” I could relate! I wish I knew who wrote this, but Soha Rehman quoted it.

As soon as I read these words, my heart softened into a degree of self-forgiveness – an emotion inherent to healing yet seemingly foreign to my nature. I try to practice being gentle with myself, but I tend to carry a baseball bat into most self-interaction. This is particularly true when I reflect on my past.

Your inner child wants love.

I tend to blame myself for things which happened in my childhood, even though I rationally know the abuse was not my fault. Currently in therapy I’m face-to-face with my self-blame. We’re looking at it, and I realize most is misplaced. It’s been a painful process. I’ve carried this burden for a half-century, believing that somehow my need for attention brought violations. If it was my fault, I had some control over the situation and didn’t have to face my utter powerlessness.

Yet that inner child wants love – and she always wanted love. When I tore off Barbie’s head and begged my mother to fix her, it was because I was craving attention. I knew Mom’s reaction was not going to be kind, but she did pay attention. I was seeking love, but I received suffering. I kept trying anyway.

Your teenage self wants revenge.

This phrase is especially true for me – I sought revenge even as a pre-teen. I started fighting back when I was just ten years old, when I decided that even if it made things worse, I wasn’t going to simply accept a beating ever again. My father hit me, and I hit him back. I knew what was happening wasn’t right and I wanted to do something about it.

After he was charged with sexual abuse, my uncle was allowed to remain on house arrest with exceptions for medical appointments and such. When I’d see his brown minivan around town, I’d become enraged and run him off the road. Soon my need for revenge went on overdrive and endangered every local soccer mom – I was running all minivans off the road. After all, it might be him.

I settled down as I got older (and sober), but when I look back it’s been hard to accept this kind of behavior. I don’t want to be the kind of person that runs around scaring soccer moms. Yet developmentally, it was natural at this stage to want revenge.

Your current self only wants peace.

My core adult self just wants serenity. I want to accept the things that are beyond my control, and live a life based on my values rather than my reactions. I desperately want to heal, so I do the work.

Part of the work is to realize there are many distinct selves that ride the bus named Karen – but that my core adult self needs to be the bus driver. Would you allow your four-year-old daughter to drive your family vehicle? I don’t want to let my inner four-year-old drive either. Given that my teenaged self runs minivans off the road, let’s not give her the keys either.

If I am to have the peace I want in my life, I need to make sure my adult self is in the driver’s seat. I can supply the love little Karen needs (or seek it from trusted sources). If I’m hanging onto resentment and plotting revenge, I know teen Karen needs some attention too. I can take care of my inner demands, while remaining serene.

Inner peace – a gift of adulthood.