I didn’t want to be a girl.

I don’t remember exactly when it occurred to me that my problem was related to my gender, but I know it was early in my life. Being a girl meant being a target – a victim. I felt at risk just because of who I was.

That wasn’t entirely true – boys are abused as well as girls. I didn’t understand that, though. I thought because I was a girl I had a sign I couldn’t see on my forehead, saying, “VICTIM.”

I was 100% tomboy – I liked Tonka Toys, climbing trees, fishing, shooting, and fighting. I didn’t like Barbie – except for pulling off her head. I wished like crazy that I was a boy.

I was a Brownie, and then for a very short time a Girl Scout. I wanted to be a Boy Scout instead, like my brother. In Brownies we did girl-type activities, like macrame and baking. My brother got to do archery. Yet another instance of boys getting it better.

I was a naïve Vermont kid in the 80s. More than one adult had quietly asked me if I thought I was a boy, but I didn’t understand the question. Gender issues confused me. Boy George really confused me. I knew I was uncomfortable in my own skin, but I didn’t have words for it.

The thing is, I didn’t think I was a boy – I wanted to be a boy. There is a world of difference.

Today, I have transgender friends. They didn’t want to be a different gender – they were born in bodies that didn’t reflect who they actually were. They didn’t fit in their bodies. I didn’t fit in my mind.

Ironically, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a woman.

I don’t wear make-up, and I’m still a bit of a tomboy, but I’m no longer confused. I am who I am. I am a woman, who no longer wants to be a boy, but I express myself in ways that are me. And isn’t that true for most of us – that we have both feminine and masculine qualities? Or perhaps it is true that feminine and masculine are to some degree just social constructs – at least, when it comes to personality. Gender fluidity makes a lot of sense to me, but I lie somewhere on the woman side of things.

I no longer think that being female equates with being a victim. I removed that sign from my head. I am fierce and empowered. I am determined and driven. I am soft and squishy. I am me.