As a kid, I hated dolls. They were boring – Tonka Toys were much better – they moved dirt, even. But I was still gifted Tennis Barbie. As an angry, traumatized child I tied Barbie up, ripped her head off and stole her tennis racket. Rural kids in the 70s didn’t have therapists. We expressed ourselves through our toys and imagination.
Yet when the Barbie movie came out this year, I wanted to see it – before everyone was talking about it. How could a Tonka-loving girl admit she also wanted to see Barbie? I shyly reached out to my best friend – by text – and asked her if she was interested in seeing it with me.
Barbie explores feminism in all its glory and its limitations. I laughed. I cried. I spit out my soda. It appealed to my softer side and my harder side and everything in between. Who knew? I love Barbie!
19th century philosopher and psychologist Herbert Spencer said, “There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance – that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”
I have been guilty of this contempt. Before I got sober, I had developed a misconception that 12-Step programs were all about studying concepts through lectures and workbooks. I knew no workbook was going to help my drunkenness, so I would not go to AA. Yet I could not get myself sober, no matter how hard I tried, and eventually I consented to rehab.
Once admitted I was dismayed to discover the program was based in 12-Step recovery-based. Sigh. I knew this would fail. I only stayed because I’d burnt my bridges and had nowhere else to go. My parents had disowned me. My friends were fed up with me. Even God hated my guts. I decided to stay in rehab until I could find a different plan.
It turned out that from the day I accepted help, I haven’t had to drink again. That was over thirty years ago. It’s a plan that still works for me – do the footwork but ask for and accept help along the way. And while there have been a couple of workbooks along the way, they’ve been far and few between. Most of what I’ve learned has been through connection with other people who have gone before me.
My heart had been closed to many concepts such as 12-Step recovery, a loving Higher Power, asking for and accepting help. That refusal to believe kept me active in addiction even after I knew I needed to stop using alcohol and drugs. Herbert Spencer was talking about me.
Today I look for where my heart and mind is closed, and then try out new things – like going to see Barbie.
And going to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour film. Yup, I saw it. I took my friend who is a Swiftie. I thought of it as a generous move on my part – something nice I could do for someone I love. A few hours invested in our friendship.
I didn’t exactly convert to Swiftie-hood, but I left realizing why young women love her. Her music is empowering, even if it has a pop beat and is all girlie and stuff.
I’m a prude – I admit it – and Swift’s sexy struts and moves make me uncomfortable. But I’m reminded of my generation’s Swifties – the Madonna Wannabees, with their rubber bracelets, neon colors, and heavy make-up, singing songs that made older generations squirm. Madonna’s music tackled real subjects that were previously glossed over, like teenaged pregnancy. Her songs gave voice to what young women were going through.
As I sat in the theater watching Taylor Swift on the screen, I realized that I was not there for my friend, but for me. I had contempt prior to really listening to her lyrics. Turns out, I love the song Anti Hero, and found a few other songs quite powerful too.
As humans, we tend to try to stuff ourselves into neatly labeled boxes, and then live our lives by these predetermined assumptions. Sometimes we do this on a deep level that really restricts our growth, such as those years when I couldn’t stop drinking. Other times contempt shows up in a silly but more accessible way – such as my disparaging Taylor Swift as a bubble-gum pop diva.
I’m a tough old bird, who still loves Tonka Toys and playing in mud. I also love Barbie and Taylor Swift.
I love ice hockey too, because this is where both my tough and softer sides exist in unison. I love a solid check, or even an all-out brawl – empty those benches! But I also admire the dance the players do on the ice – they can skate so smoothly with beautiful grace. Before I watched a hockey game, I had contempt for that as well.
Next time you’re trying something new, open your eyes to what you can appreciate about the experience. Try not to be closed-minded, but rather, open your heart to it. You might find out something new about yourself!
You are an amazing writer I look forward to more from you .
And this is so true we need to live outside our boxes wich is often hard for some to do .
Thank you, Karen!! I learned this lesson in a very unspritual way. About 20 years ago, I worked for a large company that supplied free coffee in the cafeteria until mid-afternoon. On Fridays, they brewed flavored coffees, which I loved and always liked forward to a new treat. One day, they brewed blueberry. Blueberry! Coffee should NOT taste like fruit, I grumbled. And for two or three years, I refused to drink it.
One Friday, I suddenly had a thought about contempt prior to investigation. I realized that I had always tried something at least once. So I fixed myself a nice cup of blueberry coffee, and I LOVED it! The joke was on me, coffee certainly SHOULD taste like fruit, and I had been missing out for two or three years because of my preconceived notions.
I have since tried other things again – foods, music, books, movies, politics, etc. Sometimes my views change, sometimes not. But I’m reminded often that open-mindedness requires a willingness to revisit old ideas in addition to looking at new ones. I hope I am always open!
Good stuff as always. I once used the Spencer quote in an essay I had to write in nursing school. When I was a student intern, with a teacher supervising me, I put a patient on a bedpan but got chastised and humiliated by a very harsh judgemental power driven floor nurse who didnt know the teacher was nearby. Although I was vindicated the damage was done. I finished nursing school and went on to work many years but I never forgot how hurtful the words of that nurse leaping to judgement and how many times and how many ways I can think to handle things differently now before leaping to my own conclusions.
I always enjoy your creative writing and always relate to the topic. Contempt prior to investigation is always a timely reminder and I enjoyed reading about Barbie & Taylor Swift! Thanks for taking time to share!
I love this and think of how often I jump to conclusions about so many things before trying them out. Every time I venture out of my comfort zone I find that I learn something profound about myself and that as hard as it is I need to keep doing it.
You made me laugh because all I hear right now in my head is “I’m the problem it’s me”
Karen you are a talented writer, I appreciate your book reviews on FB as well.