In my earliest memories of being molested it was not a new experience. Still, years later I was shocked and devastated when my uncle admitted in court that he started abusing me when I was still a baby.
Renowned trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk defines developmental trauma as “exposure to multiple, cumulative traumatic events, usually of an interpersonal nature, during childhood which results in developmentally adverse consequences.” My uncle’s repeated transgressions as well as abuse I suffered from others, were the ongoing traumas that made me quirky.
Quirky sounds a whole lot less judgmental than developmentally maladapted. For example, my drive to connect with others – to belong – was seriously muted from a young age. When I started school, I was confused by the kids playing games at recess – I often just stood back, observing, and wondering why they wanted to have friends. I was much more comfortable working on assignments than playing tag. I wanted to be alone. I still do, pretty much.
Another quirk is that at age 51, I still have to consciously work at response flexibility. According to Gabor Maté, author of The Myth of Normal, response flexibility is “the ability to choose how we address life’s inevitable ups and downs.” He notes this capacity is seriously diminished in those with early trauma due to timing of brain development. To this day, I still have to be exceptionally mindful in order not to simply react to current events, with a fight or flight response (I’m usually a fighter). I have a hard time remembering to pause and choose an appropriate, non-fighting response.
One therapeutic intervention I’ve found helpful is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. Developed by Marsha Linehan in the early 90’s, DBT was created for people with borderline personality disorder, but has been found to be effective for other diagnoses, such as substance use disorders, depression and C-PTSD (see my recent blog entry, Trauma, Alphabet Soup and a Glimmer of Hope).
DBT teaches skills that fit into four helpful modules – mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. In “DBT Lite” these skills are taught in 12 weekly sessions, usually in a group setting, but some people find more long-term therapy quite helpful. I’ve been in a DBT group for several years, and find that the STOP skill – (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully) is where my work is still difficult for me. To STOP I must be mindful; I must be aware in order to pause, giving me a chance to respond instead of react. STOP helps me develop better response flexibility.
When I can pause and choose my response to some situation, I am much less apt to engage in behaviors I regret. I might actually make a friend, and today, I want to do that. I belong.
I’m reading these techniques and wishing my brain could do that. By the time I finish typing this reply, I’ll have forgotten what STOP stands for, let alone how to practice it. Part of my ADHD problem is short term memory deficit, which might hold onto STOP, but make for a very long pause while I try to remember what it means, then do it. The result is to freeze. By that time, the other person is thoroughly frustrated with me, and the communication attempt reduces to an argument about my inability to pay attention to anything, let alone be mindful. Then I start feeling inadequate, stupid, frustrated, and inferior. It’s a miserable cycle, an endless loop of cause and effect that’s so difficult to break. Having information about my diagnosis is completely different than integrating it for improved responses in my daily life. Fortunately, I can jump right back in and try again. It’s critical to spend time in meditation to reaffirm my self-worth and center myself around my good and healthy qualities.
Diane, I sympathize! One reason I write about useful healing tools is to reinforce them in my mind. By writing about what I know to do (and occasionally remember to implement), there’s a better chance I’ll use the skill in the future. I love that you talk about jumping in and trying again!
So great that you can start over and see your strengths, I have trouble with that! With everything we do every skill we try…self gentleness and kindness is always first. STOP is only 1 of many skills one finds in DBT. And in DBT one has many materials and a guide and lots of time and support to work on these skills. Radical acceptance goes through a lot of it. And learning to observe ones judgments of self (and other) and gain new perspectives. And often if one tack doesn’t work..theres another skill that might be used. I’ve just started this process myself….but I am discovering. And know I have to be very patient. We are on distress tolerance now in my group. One of the biggest challenges for me. And also I’m seeing that there are nervous system tools not in DBT that I’m calling upon. Like vagus nerve exercises.
Your honesty and vulnerability is so helpful to anyone who struggles. I am so blessed to be part of Quirky’s circle. Thank you for sharing your story.
And Quirky appreciates your friendship!