Healing from trauma is painful.

It is hard to fully accept the brokenness that stemmed from all that happened to me. I spent a lot of time pretending that I was fine, and that it was the rest of the world that was wrong.

Mind you, what happened was wrong, and was not my fault. But healing from my trauma is fully my responsibility. No one could heal for me, even if they wanted to.

The abuse and neglect I suffered left me with deep emotional and spiritual wounds. I felt – and sometimes continue to feel – that I am worthless. I sometimes don’t believe I deserve the air that I breathe.

Healing involves naming shame for what it is, and approaching it with love. For me, it is not a one and done proposition. I heal in little pieces.

Why am I asking you to willingly dive into your shame and your pain? Because that is where your answers lie: underneath all the muck that makes you feel you’re unworthy and not good enough. If you allow the shame and regret to remain buried, they will poison you from the inside out. This is how dis-ease is created. Ease is freed when we dis-entangle who we are from who we think we are and the feelings we’re feeling. We have to dive into the hurt so we can alchemize it.

Andrea Dawn, Introduction to “No Mat Required”

I resonate with these words. I have a natural tendency to avoid the pain of my experiences, through various forms of numbing. When I was younger it was with alcohol and self-harm. These days I don’t drink, but I can naturally numb, spending hours scrolling through Facebook or distracting myself with lots of “positive” activities, such as working, volunteering or even a heavy social calendar.

My shame demands attention, like a toddler having a tantrum. Indeed, she wants her momma self to soothe her, and the longer I avoid the shame, the louder it gets.

This shame might appear as self-doubt or even self-hatred. It might appear as suicidal thoughts. It might appear as a stomachache, or anger at my husband, or utter exhaustion.

In the quote, Andrea speaks of “alchemizing” our hurt. What does that mean?

The Oxford Dictionary defines alchemize as to “transform the nature or properties of (something) by a seemingly magical process.” For shame, this magical process is self-love. Therefore, healing our inner wounds works through radical self-love.

Some might be wondering, what about divine love? God’s love is indeed great, but when I’m in shame’s grip I cannot accept God’s love into my life. I cannot connect. I’m not deserving or even think I’m evil. Shame is such a powerful poison that it blocks out the sunshine of the spirit.

Yet when I allow myself self-love, it is like opening a door to love from the Universe. When I see myself fully, and honor what I see – the good, the bad and the ugly – the light can shine in and alchemize that shame. It is transformed into something beautiful, and I am left feeling much more comfortable in my own skin.

Self-love is the healing, magical process.