“The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.”

I don’t know about you, but visions of sugar plums haven’t always danced in my head at Christmas time. 

Oftentimes there was fear, loss, regret, sadness, and grief. 

Nonetheless, I held on to hope. Hope that one day Christmas would be magical once again. 

I think that what’s beautiful about Christmas, when you strip away all the expectations of how it “should be” and how it “should look” you are really just left with the beauty of the season. 

The lights, the decorations, and the traditions that remind you of years gone by. 

In the last few years I have simplified Christmas not only for myself but my children as well. 

We watch movies, we decorate cookies, and we have our favourite breakfast of croissants, clementines, and quiche. We lounge by the tree, open presents on Christmas morning, and then enjoy the morning together. If we are really lucky there is fresh fallen snow out the window. 

When they were younger and I was married we’d spend countless hours visiting friends and extended family.  As a mom who often had little  support this was exhausting for not only me but for them as well.  I didn’t know then I could ask for what I needed. I didn’t know that I could say no. I didn’t know I could advocate for my needs too. Afraid of not being festive enough, or fun enough I’d drag myself from place to place and by the time the holidays were over I was burnt out, exhausted and resentful. Not exactly “the most wonderful time of the year”.

Navigating Christmas as a single parent presented its own challenges. Trying to figure out where we now fit in as our family of three. Three years ago at my daughter’s request we bought a new Christmas tree. She picked it out with all the decorations, at the time it was a bit out of my budget but I decided to go for it. It was more than I had ever spent on a tree and I found it hard to justify spending that much on something that comes out for only one month out of the year, but the joy and pride on their faces that first time we decorated that tree was worth every penny  spent.  Each year they eagerly await tree decorating time, it’s ours and it’s our tree of love.  

Despite the ups and downs and trauma of divorace and addiction our lives are full of love, health and happiness.  We have created many of our own traditions and we are grateful that we have a warm place to live, food in our bellies and gifts under the tree. We have been blessed with the beauty of the little things and that is what Christmas means to me.