That topic came up in therapy again last week. One of the really hard ones.
Identifying needs.
I hardly know the difference between wants and needs. Needs are necessary, whereas wants are things I desire. When I look at the examples listed on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs chart, I can see even the lowest category of basic “needs” as things I merely desire.
At one point in my early adulthood I was homeless – sleeping on my friend’s couch most the time, sometimes sleeping under a bush by the lake. I rarely had food. I ate once or twice a week, buying a granola bar or two with money made from picking up bottles and cans on the side of the road. I didn’t need to eat, I thought – it wasn’t like I was going to die today if I didn’t eat. I refused to go to the soup kitchen or the food shelf – that was for people who needed help.
I didn’t need shelter – I wasn’t going to die if left outside. I’m not going to die today or tomorrow if I don’t sleep tonight (as evidenced by the all-nighter I accidentally scheduled for myself a couple weeks ago). I even struggle with the idea of breathing air – taking shallow breaths, afraid to take more than my share.
(I do need clothes – not for protection from the elements, but because my modesty is severely heightened from being abused. Ding ding ding – a need I acknowledge!)
I have a core belief that having a need means I’m desperate and vulnerable.
Yet I’ve changed my mind. Or I’m trying to, anyway.
When I found a job and could pay rent – having shelter and food – I noticed how good it felt to have security. I didn’t fully comprehend why I had refused to ask for help, but I began to slowly understand that I would have urged a friend in the same situation to partake of the resources available in the community. Why would Sally or Linda be worthy of having needs, but not me?
The shocking short answer: I lacked humility.
How could someone so beaten down and broken – so full of unworthiness – be reeking of pride?
Humility has a purpose. If I understand I cannot single-handedly meet all my own needs, I begin to look outside of myself. I ask for help. I might look to family, or friends, or community resources. I may even look to God. Humility is about being right-sized and for me, understanding that I need help – which is the foundation of my spiritual life.
One of my needs I’m able to recognize is that I need social connection. While I don’t crave connection, I tend to spiral quickly into depression when I isolate myself from my community, often landing in a psychiatric hospital. I don’t particularly like being inpatient. My desire to avoid hospitalization motivates me to connect deeply with trusted loved ones. I have a goal of touching base honestly with at least two people daily.
The middle sections of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are all about needing connection – even the need for self-esteem, which is about how we feel about ourselves in relationship to others. We can’t reach self-actualization without being in relationship to the community around us. Some of us also find connection with a Higher Power – some source of energy or love in the Universe that feeds our soul. But we need human connection as well.
This has turned into a bit of a ramble, so let me get to the point. Love one another. Reach out and let yourself be loved. Connection is a psychological – and spiritual – need.
Even for me.
Even and *especially* for you (and me!)
My acknowledgement of needs derailed a bit higher on Maslowe’s Hierarchy. My innate will to live drove Physiological and Safety, and my wish to be happy hinged on Love/Belonging and Esteem.
But there I dropped spectacularly. I needed love and belonging, but I felt like I didn’t deserve them unless I earned them in some way. And I spent my childhood, youth, and up through middle age people-pleasing in often vain attempts at belonging. It didn’t occur to me that I could be loved and belong just because I exist! There was too much abandonment in my life to suggest that if I didn’t meet expectations, I didn’t belong and didn’t deserve love. I even entered an abusive marriage, fueled by alcoholism in both of us, figuring some love was better than none.
It was during recovery from alcoholism that I finally began the work of dropping the survival skills which no longer served, and developing a level of humility that would meet those social needs and bring some level of esteem. From others, and for myself! The last is an ongoing process. Some days, a struggle, more days, a gift of recovery that I am able to pass on to others. Life is good, as am I.
Needed, ty ❤️
Life took on new meaning in recovery when I felt the safety, protection, empowerment and nurturing of being in the middle of a herd. Life shifts became root shock later in life as I endured losses and the simultaneous loss of long term friends faster than I could grow new ones. That need for social connection is more prevalent now and I’ve become part of additional small nurturing communities of retired teachers/cancer survivors and a community of knitters who gather to knit, visit and chat. I miss those dedicated one to one long term intimate relationships with friends and sponsors who have passed but still try to give to others what was given to me. It helps but still have to invite in HP because it never seems to be enough…You extended something deep and meaningful with your friendship to me and I will always love you and be grateful for that.