“I do not remember a time when I didn’t consider suicide. I first attempted when I was six years old. Yet for of my life I hid these thoughts…. I was deeply ashamed and thought it was something I had to deal with alone.”

Thankfully I’m Not on the Front Page

I wrote those words to you last May, after a stay on a psychiatric unit. At that time a counselor encouraged me to think of my chronic suicidal thoughts as a type of addiction, much like my alcoholism.

Even once I wanted to stop drinking, I couldn’t imagine the life I have now in recovery. When I would try to put the bottle down I felt utterly raw, filled with rage and other emotions I didn’t like. Acting on these feelings I sometimes behaved worse than I did when I was drunk. I guessed that sober I’d end up in jail. Active alcoholism was a prison I knew and could navigate. With that idea, I’d always start drinking, at least until the drunk trouble was too much to bear and I’d try to stop yet again, with the same result.

It was impossible to view sobriety as desirable when it was unbearable. How did I make the leap to getting sober and chasing after recovery?

Dry, I committed a violent offense that did not send me to jail, but did ban me from my home. When I returned to the bottle I found no relief. I despised myself, drunk or sober. I asked my therapist what to do. I didn’t like what my therapist suggested – but did it anyway. I haven’t picked up a drink since the day I accepted help. It’s been over 33 years.

I took suggestions that were contrary to my nature. Pray? Yeah right! God hated my guts. Yet I prayed some very simple prayers (not to the God who hated me, but to the Universe at large), and was surprised that they helped. I took stock of myself and shared what I found with another human being. I asked that Universe to help me be a better person and set out to make amends where I’d hurt others. I eventually came to believe in a God that loves me and loves you too. I reached out to help others.

Helping others is just part of Step Twelve – the other part is to practice these principles in all our affairs. Which brings me back to, what if the same process that sobered me up would also work to relieve the crazy thoughts I have in my head?

These thoughts took over again in late August, and I asked for help. I called the Rapid Response Access Point (RRAP) and asked for a mobile crisis team to come. They sent me to the ER, because my suicidal thoughts were out of control. I was in the hospital for two weeks while my medications were changed. I’m starting to feel better.

I can’t help but think I’m in a similar place as I was over 33 years ago, when I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like if I took the stupid suggestions I was given, but I was desperate enough to try them anyway. Desperation breeds humility – but so can choice.

It’s not the same place. I know the power of humility and I have a very deep faith. It is time for me to be humble and move forward toward a life without these self-destructive thoughts.

If you or a loved one are having a mental health or substance abuse crisis, and you are in New Hampshire, call or text the Rapid Response Access Point at 1-833-710-6477, or call 988 anywhere in the US.