“Man should blame no one but himself for his troubles. God doesn’t reward or punish anyone. Suffering is caused by the misuse of one’s own free will. God has given us the power to cast him away or to accept him. God doesn’t want us to suffer, but he will not interfere when we choose actions that lead to misery.” – Paramahansa Yogananda

In her book, How to be Loving, Danielle LaPorte quotes the great yogi Paramahansa Yogananda, and when I came across his words I stopped in my tracks. These may be the most brilliant ideas I’ve come across in a long time – and they were formed seventy years ago.

For many years the idea that I was to blame for my troubles was a hard pill to swallow. Surely as a victim of childhood abuse I could point to others as the reason for my pain. I also blamed God – figuring that if He was in charge of all things then he had destined me for such horror.

I was wrong.

I no longer believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Rather, we are each given free will, and sometimes man makes the wrong choices – and sometimes even commits evil acts. God does not will for us to hurt or abuse one another. Today I believe that when I’ve cried, God has cried with me.

I also no longer believe that the pain I carry is my family’s fault.

That’s such an important concept that I’ll repeat it: I no longer believe that the pain I carry is my family’s fault. I am solely responsible for my healing today. Even if my family wanted to, and were alive to follow through, they could not step into my life and heal me. They might apologize, but apologies don’t provide total healing.

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, as we all have. I’ve done things I wish I hadn’t done. In Twelve-Step fellowships there is an idea that in recovery, we won’t regret the past. I still have regrets. There are things for which I’ve made amends, but still cringe when I think about my past behaviors.

I can say I’m sorry, but there is very little power in that. As an old counselor of mine used to say, I’ve got a cellar full of sorries. Making amends means making something as right as possible after we’ve transgressed. Still, the situation will never be the same.

If I hammer a nail into a tree, I can remove the nail but the hole will be left behind. And like the tree, I am full of holes. It is my job to heal the holes. Sometimes it is even my job to pull out the nails.

I also love the idea that God does not punish nor reward. I’m letting go of the idea that there is a critical judge in the sky tallying up my mistakes and deciding whether I’m worthy. Instead, I simply AM worthy. The loving energy of the Universe is accessible to each one of us, if we choose to accept it.

God is not judging me, but I sure do. What would life look like if I could accept that love, and let myself fully feel it? I can’t even fathom, but I can strive to love myself a little bit more today, and to offer myself up for healing.