According to the CDC, in 2022 nearly 50,000 Americans died by suicide. Over 13 million Americans reported seriously considering suicide that year – and it safe to conclude that others did too but wouldn’t admit it. Most people will have suicidal thoughts at some point in their lifetime.

We need to talk about suicide because too many people suffer alone with these thoughts. Isolation and shame increase the risk that someone will try to take their own life. Stigma associated with silence makes it even harder to ask for help.

As a child, I struggled with suicidal urges. I would hold my breath until I passed out, and I seriously attempted suicide when I was just six years old. When I was 16 the state of Vermont sent me to a therapist. When she finally asked me if I was suicidal, I told her I’d already tried twice since we’d been seeing each other. I’d never talked about wanting to take my life. I didn’t know I could. I didn’t know that I wasn’t alone.

Some people fear that asking someone if they’re suicidal will plant the idea in their mind. Chances are if you have reason to question someone’s safety, they may have already thought about self-harm or suicide. You won’t be encouraging them to take their life – you’ll be inviting them to talk about something they likely feel shame about. While shame feeds suicidal thoughts, connection with a caring person could save a life.

When that therapist heard I’d already attempted suicide, she was able to have a compassionate conversation with me. It was clear to me she cared. She was more interested in my wellbeing than I was. She asked me if I could stay safe until I saw her again.

She was also required to talk with my parents, who did not share that same supportive response. My father, especially, was violently angry with me. I wasn’t supposed to feel that way. While my therapist helped me feel worthwhile, the anger I encountered from my parents left me feeling more ashamed and alone, particularly when I was told the topic was not to be brought up again.

Sometimes a person considers suicide once in their life, after some tragedy or other difficult situation. Perhaps the pain is too much to bear. Some people – like me – have persistent mental illness, and struggle with these kinds of thoughts on a regular basis. Most days I have the thoughts, but it doesn’t mean I’m necessarily going to act on them. However, I’m much less likely to attempt suicide when I can talk about how I feel in the safety of a nonjudgmental relationship. That might be with a professional, a family member or a friend. You never know when you might be able to save someone’s life.

People at risk of suicide are not the only ones who need to be able to talk about the subject. Our loved ones need to be able to talk about their fears and experiences as well. My biggest supporter is my husband. Ed loves me dearly (it’s a mutual thing). When I’m in crisis, he is too. He should be able to talk about what we are experiencing in our family, and get the support he needs.

Those who lost a loved one in this way also need to speak about it, without shame. Several years ago we lost our nephew, Hoyt, to suicide. I rushed to my sister-in-law’s house to stay with her for several days, as I didn’t want her to be alone. The grief was raw. After he died, many people didn’t speak of him again, which only deepened our pain. If you know a suicide loss survivor, ask them about the person they have lost. Listen to the stories and share a little of your own. They need your connection as much as the rest of us.

Be brave enough to have these conversations. Don’t let suicide be a taboo topic.

Don’t do it alone! If you or someone else if having a mental health or substance abuse crisis, you can reach out for help at 988, or if in New Hampshire, call or text the Rapid Response Access Point at 833-710-6477. Help is available!